PRIORITIES

Or more appropriately, how should I be spending my money? This question came about after spending several hours arguing on Phantasy Tour about a guy who's wife asked him to stop smoking pot because it was too much of a finance. Of course I was berated for agreeing with the wife because we all know how much smoking pot is the most important thing ever. The fact that I'm almost 30 years old and still arguing with random nameless people on Phantasy Tour is a whole other post in and of itself.

Meanwhile, the problem here is how should I be spending what little money I have? This month alone I had an exceeding large increase in extra cash due to the fact that all my credit cards were paid off. I had in fact about 350 dollars worth of extra money to just throw away, this was after I already saved 250 dollars.

So what did I do with it? Well the logical thing to do would probably have been to put another 100 dollars into savings. I didn't do that. The next thing may have been to give some extra money to my car payment. I didn't do that either. What I did do was go to the mall and spend 150 dollars at Twenty by Twenty, yes the Forever 21 store because even as I turn 30 I will always be 21 in my heart.

To spend 150 dollars at Forever 21 you need to purchase at least 8 things, which I did with much success. I found cute hipster dresses, some snap button blouses, a skirt, a cardigan and a jacket for 9 dollars. At my birthday party in a few weeks I will look 21 and hopefully feel no more than 27.

Then I moved onto Urban Outfitters, which I only buy things from the sale rack unless it's a bag that I can't live without. This time it was only for stockings which cost 18 dollars, a bit expensive but they were exactly what I was looking for.

I also bought a necklace online.

A ticket to see the Disco Biscuits on my birthday.

30 dollars on my train pass to get work.

Dinner at my favorite Diner.

Several stops at WAWA.

And a withdrawl for 20 dollars to go to the movies to see the Wolfman.. which I would like my 20 dollars back please.

Total I have 49.72 dollars left until this Friday when I get paid again. In which case I will have to pay my mortgage and get my hair done so I will have about an excess of 200 dollars give or take.

So what to do with that 200 dollars. Most likely it will go to gas or train rides. Perhaps another shopping trip, it's almost spring you know. I will probably buy another book on Amazon or look for shoes.

But what should I be doing with my money at 30 years old? Investing it? I don't know if I trust the 401K to be there when I need it. Savings account? It seems no sooner do I fill the savings account then I drain it on something for the house or for my car. So let's say I spend it on more clothes or shoes or eating or reading, who's to say that isn't where I should be spending the money? If a shirt makes me happy shouldn't I buy it? If buying shoes I can barely walk in but are gorgeous fill me with delight shouldn't I purchase them and sit them on my shelf to admire? If all we have in this life is the things we collect throughout the years, shouldn't we be collecting the things we love most?

The only thing left to save for really is my granite countertop in my kitchen. In 10 years time I will be able to save for that, in the meantime I can afford the 20 dollar slave labor made dresses from Forever 21 and I can wear until about two weeks later when they fall apart.

The calling out game.

It starts like this:

I wake up in a panic about 30 minutes before my alarm is set to go off. I realize I do not want to go to work today. I start to think about scenarios that have happened or that might happen. I wake up Jacob and ask him for permission to call out. This being my way of justifying the call out. He says no of course and then I proceed to freak out.

Sometimes I actually realize I should go to work and do so. Other times the following events occur:

I call out with a lame excuse. I am sick, I just can't make it, my car broke down which is the lamest of all considering I take the train to work. I proceed to get out of bed sometimes eat some breakfast or just fall back to sleep after Jacob leaves for work.

Sometime later after I have slept for a few hours I wake up in a panic. I've done it again. I've called out of an easy job and they are going to fire me. I'm going to lose my house. I'm going to lose everything. For about an hour I lay in the bed completely unable to move because of my panicking. After about an hour I realize that I have called out more than I've gone to work for the last year and they still haven't fired me. Plus I still have 5 sick days and 3 weeks of vacation left. So I'm not out of time. Then I finally get out of bed and shower.

Although, after I shower I realize I have nothing to do. I could try to fill out my application for grad school, the same application I have been trying to fill out for the past 5 years. I could try to find a new psychiatrist to help me through my anxiety. I could go to the library and volunteer for a couple of hours so when I fill out said application I would have experience attached to it. I could go shopping but don't want to spend the money in case I actually do get fired. I could go to the gym but don't until 4pm because I don't want them knowing I called out of work.

So where does that leave me on my day off that is suppose to be fun but as usual has turned into a panicked depressed day?

On the couch, watching horrible TV, thinking about what I should be doing but am not. And as I approach my 30th year will that change anything? I think not considering on that day I will be taking off from work because I don't want to work on my birthday. I'm not sure how this will help me because I will be spending the day alone and mostly depressed.

So how do I stop from calling out of work? What will power can I find to get on that train every morning and sit in my chair doing absolutely nothing for 8 hours? If I can't change how do I expect the job to change? The job is not changing. I am not getting laid off anytime soon unfortunately. I have nothing to make me change except my own free will. But my own free will is stuck and I refuse to let it out.

Does 30 mean becoming an adult, taking responsibilities for myself? I hope it does because at 29 I am still not able to be the person I think I am suppose to be. I am not able to give myself an inch of movement towards something greater then this hole of self hate I have dug since before I knew what I was doing.

Can I make a pact with my 30th year? Can I ask it to help me be something better? Something saner? Something thinner? Something smarter? Something less angry? Something more useful? Something more loving? Something more like the picture in my head?

Something less me?

I'm gonna tell them all to go kick rocks

instead of telling them to go fuck themselves. Kicking rocks sounds so much more mature and fun, who needs to swear anymore? I've been swearing my whole life. My father used to tell me I talked like a truck driver. I guess that's insulting to truck drivers who are nice family men and don't swear.

Swearing is like my back up device. When all else fails just throw out a few F bombs and let them explode all over people's faces. It is most fun to do at work in the lunchroom. You wait until the older ladies come in when they are talking about dancing with the stars, then you start swearing up a storm. Throw in a cunt for good measure and the room is yours.

When I turn 30 in 44 days I wonder if my swearing will decrease or increase. Does turning 30 mean you have to mature to no swearing? I waited most of my childhood to turn an age where I could swear all I want and not be yelled at for it.

I guess until I figure it out you can all go fucking kick rocks.