The calling out game.

It starts like this:

I wake up in a panic about 30 minutes before my alarm is set to go off. I realize I do not want to go to work today. I start to think about scenarios that have happened or that might happen. I wake up Jacob and ask him for permission to call out. This being my way of justifying the call out. He says no of course and then I proceed to freak out.

Sometimes I actually realize I should go to work and do so. Other times the following events occur:

I call out with a lame excuse. I am sick, I just can't make it, my car broke down which is the lamest of all considering I take the train to work. I proceed to get out of bed sometimes eat some breakfast or just fall back to sleep after Jacob leaves for work.

Sometime later after I have slept for a few hours I wake up in a panic. I've done it again. I've called out of an easy job and they are going to fire me. I'm going to lose my house. I'm going to lose everything. For about an hour I lay in the bed completely unable to move because of my panicking. After about an hour I realize that I have called out more than I've gone to work for the last year and they still haven't fired me. Plus I still have 5 sick days and 3 weeks of vacation left. So I'm not out of time. Then I finally get out of bed and shower.

Although, after I shower I realize I have nothing to do. I could try to fill out my application for grad school, the same application I have been trying to fill out for the past 5 years. I could try to find a new psychiatrist to help me through my anxiety. I could go to the library and volunteer for a couple of hours so when I fill out said application I would have experience attached to it. I could go shopping but don't want to spend the money in case I actually do get fired. I could go to the gym but don't until 4pm because I don't want them knowing I called out of work.

So where does that leave me on my day off that is suppose to be fun but as usual has turned into a panicked depressed day?

On the couch, watching horrible TV, thinking about what I should be doing but am not. And as I approach my 30th year will that change anything? I think not considering on that day I will be taking off from work because I don't want to work on my birthday. I'm not sure how this will help me because I will be spending the day alone and mostly depressed.

So how do I stop from calling out of work? What will power can I find to get on that train every morning and sit in my chair doing absolutely nothing for 8 hours? If I can't change how do I expect the job to change? The job is not changing. I am not getting laid off anytime soon unfortunately. I have nothing to make me change except my own free will. But my own free will is stuck and I refuse to let it out.

Does 30 mean becoming an adult, taking responsibilities for myself? I hope it does because at 29 I am still not able to be the person I think I am suppose to be. I am not able to give myself an inch of movement towards something greater then this hole of self hate I have dug since before I knew what I was doing.

Can I make a pact with my 30th year? Can I ask it to help me be something better? Something saner? Something thinner? Something smarter? Something less angry? Something more useful? Something more loving? Something more like the picture in my head?

Something less me?